Let's Write About Sex, Baby

I found this article on a new blog I've discovered called Killer Year - The Class of 2007 and I love it! Some of my favorites out of the "10 Rules for Writing Real Classy Sex Scenes" include:

2) Never compare a woman’s nipples to:
a) Cherries.
b) Cherry pits.
c) Pencil erasers.
d) Frankenstein’s bolts.
Nipples are tricky. They come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and shades. They do not, as a rule, look like much of anything, aside from nipples. So resist making dumb-shit comparisons.

3) Resist the temptation to use genital euphemisms (unless you are trying to be funny).
No: tunnel of love, candy shop, secret garden, pleasure gate, bearded clam.
Equally no: mule, flesh kabob, magic wand, shaft of manhood.
I could go on, but only for my own amusement.

4) Then again, sometimes sex is funny.
And if you ever saw a videotape of yourself in action, I bet you’d agree. An absurd arrangement. So don’t be afraid to portray its comic aspects. If one of your characters, at the height of passion, screams her father’s name, note this. If another can’t stay hard, allow him to use a ponytail holder for an improvised cock ring. And later on, if his daughter comes home and demands to know where her ponytail holder is, well, so be it.

6) Fluid is fun.
Look, sex is sticky. There’s no way around this. If you want to represent the truth of the acts, you will likely be required to pay homage to the resultant wetnesses. And I’m not just talking about semen or vaginal fluid. I’m also talking sweat and saliva, which I consider to be the perfume of lovers, as well as whatever one chooses as a lubricant (sesame oil?).

7) Real people do not talk in porn clichés.
They do not say: "Give it to me, big boy."
They do not say: "Suck it, baby. That’s right, all the way down."
They do not say: "Yes, deeper, harder, deeper! Oh, baby, oh, Christ, yes!"
At least, they do not say these things to me.
Most of the time, real people say all kinds of weird, funny things during sex, such as, "I think I’m losing circulation" and "I’ve got a cramp in my foot" and "Oh, sorry!" and "Did you come already? Goddamn it!"

9) Use all the senses.
The cool thing about sex — aside from its being, uh, sex — is that it engages all five of our human senses. So don’t ignore the more subtle cues. Give us the scents and the tastes and the sounds of the act. And stay away from the obvious ones. By which I mean that I’d take a sweet, embarrassed pussyfart over a shuddering moan any day.
You can quote me on that.

For the entire list, check out the article Here! Enjoy, and please try to contain yourself...

P.S. I aboslutely had to add this to the post since it's relevant, in a way, and it's way to good to not post:


Nerve talks to John Updike and what else would come up in an interview but oral sex, right?

But the head getting close to the genitals is, in a way, more intimate than letting the genitals do it on their own. Our sensory organs, including the brain, are right down there, and if it happens less frequently in couples as the relationship ages and evolves, it's because it's an act of worship, really. You are worshipping the other person's genitals. That may be a kind of ardor that cannot be sustained forever.

I guess all we need is for our genitals to be worshipped by our spouses and we'll wipe out divorce forever!