No, this isn't some self-defamatory post about how I disgust myself for some reason or another. I literally make myself sick. See, I have a stress-handling problem. As anyone I'm sure couldn't fail to notice this past week or so, I've been stressed recently. Unfortunately I don't handle stress well. I take life, and probably myself, way too seriously and I end up making myself sick over it, literally. It always seems that after the climax of the stress is over that is when it all hits me physically and it makes me ill. I am now accustomed to getting horrible migraines after a period of stress, being physically nauseated and light-headed as if I have the flu, and the worse, I gave myself Shingles from stress. Yes, Shingles. That adult version of chicken pox that is deadly to and normally only gotten by the elderly. I got Shingles the day after my last final exam my Junior year of college - my most challenging year of college - and my doctor told me that people at my age who get Shingles get it from extreme stress and are prone to getting it chronically when they are stressed. Luckily I have yet to get it again since it's quite uncomfortable and there's no real treatment, just a medication that "quickens" it through your system, so that my poxes would burn intensely for an hour after I took the medication.
So I have a problem and I'm home sick today from work because I took my GRE on Saturday, nearly threw up during it and ended up doing horrible on the second half of it because of it, and nearly threw up and passed out this morning. What the heck's wrong with me? I'm sure I've made myself sick again. I need to change, I know this, but I'm not sure how. I always set very high standards for myself and detest failing, actually am scared to death of failing. I rarely have not gotten what I want, I've gotten the scholarships I wanted, the research projects in college I wanted, gotten into the school I wanted, got the job I thought I wanted (now I hate it), got the hubby I wanted (you betcha, I asked Him out). I'm a pretty determined gal and am very aggressive in going after what I want, but I stress the hell outta myself in the process. The only thing that I truly feel like a failure in is getting published, which I have yet to accomplish, to the extent that it almost stresses me out to write now when writing used to relieve my stress. I know, I shouldn't worry about getting published and just write because I love it and because I'd write anyways even if I never got published, and that's probably true. But I'm such a goddamn perfectionist I can't help myself. And I'm so obsessed with achievements that I can't stop focusing on that. How do I know that I'm getting better at writing if I have nothing to measure it by? No publications or reviews?
I've always known that I was ambitious, but I never realized how stressful it is to be ambitious. I'm the type of person who wants to change the world, and actually believes that I can! I worry my mother sick with my dreams of working with refugees in war zones, and I probably stress my husband out with my ideas of trips to war zones for untold months living with the refugees so I can really understand their needs. And the thing is, if I want to do these things, I know I will. My mom and hubby also know that I will, because that's the type of person I am. But it's hard being this way. How do I relax and let go of all my ambition and perfectionism? How do I Enjoy life more and not be so tense all the time? Okay, how do I do it other than just consuming alcohol, we don't want me to become an alcoholic here! I know I need help and I need to change the way I live life somehow without losing that ambition and drive that I truly do love about myself. But I burn myself out too quickly and put too much of myself into everything I do, I just can't help myself. Anyone else this crazy? Anyone have any suggestions?
Broncos' pick Bolles uses stage to inspire kids
7 minutes ago