But I Don't Wanna Grow Up!

I don't know how many times I've said "the real world sucks" since I've graduated college over a year ago, but I'll say it again. The real world sucks! Which is probably why I'm going back to school, but then in there lies my problem. Decisions. How the hell do you make these big life decisions all the time? I mean, the last big decision I had to make (before I graduated and was thrust into the real world like a naked baby into cold water) was what college to go to and even that was easy. I had a boyfriend (now husband) who went to a college 45 minutes away from home where I was the last child to leave my single mother. In addition, my best friend was going to Miami and so who better to room with (I now know that you should never room with your best friend from high school, I have yet to hear a success story and I still have bitter feelings about that experience). So truly, that decision wasn't a big deal for me, be close to my boyfriend, best friend and mom as well as go to the "public ivy league" Miami University. Duh, no brainer. So now I feel completely unequipped to make the big decisions as an "adult". Sure, I decided to get a job after I graduated, but only after I'd decided to not get a job and stay at home and write full time, then found out that I had more student loans then I thought and that I didn't have the discipline I wished I did and I was going crazy with lack of social interaction (despite the fact that I'm a writer, I actually Do enjoy social interaction :)~). So even the decision of getting a job just flowed naturally and wasn't the biggest deal for me, I knew I'd either have to get a job or go crazy. And the decision to marry my husband wasn't really a decision for me, I knew for a while before he asked me that I'd marry him, it didn't feel like a decision, it was just a fact.

This is all leading up to the fact that I had a panic attack last night about making some big life decisions... the last time I had a panic attack like this was when we bought our house, perhaps my first real big life decision. Should I stay in my comfortable but sooo boring and sooo not me job, should I go to Africa for 7 months (well, I'm not sure I'm accepted into that program yet, grrr, a whole other irritating situation), should I go back to school and if so should I go out of state and leave the rancid Ohio (okay, slight exaggeration, but I'm really no fan of Ohio), leave my mother, my husband's parents and sisters, our beautiful home (seriously, our house is Amazing, we really lucked out) and stable life? And amidst all of this, when the heck am I going to have babies? How do people actually make these decisions? There's no clear answer, I win and lose out in every decision I make. What if I make the wrong decision and they're too big to take back?

I know, I know. I'm sure everybody goes through this, I'm just surprised it's so hard. I was always very capable, the more independent of my mother's children, good at school, very involved in activities and a natural leader. So why is it so hard to make these decisions for my own life? I guess I thought I was prepared and now I don't feel prepared or capable of making these big decisions. Last night I just let all of my fears, doubts and stress get to me, it probably didn't help that I'm on my monthly (sorry guys, don't mean to gross you out). How do men deal with us emotional women? I can barely deal with myself!

Be honest with me people, does it ever get easier? Does it ever stop feeling like you're diving off a cliff and you're not sure your parachute works?


Bill said...

Well, let me tell you this, don't ever think about life when your "monthly". After ten years with my wife, I don't allow her to make decisions or think about life or our relationship during this time. Big decisions in life don't get easier per se, you just get more confidence in making them. You learn from your mistakes, and hopefully the mistakes other people make. Chin up!

Anonymous said...

Kudos Bill!
I can't tell you the number of times my significant other has gone back and forth on life decisions during this "monthly" event, adventure, escapade, etc.

My advice would be to create a hard copy list every month (preferrably when your not monthly) of your desires, passions, and goals. By creating a hard copy it will allow you to see how your ideas of life are changing as you grow as a person. As Oprah says "Her twenties are when she grew into herself". In life we have many directions and paths that we can travel. The best thing that you can do for yourself is just put thought into what you want to do. After that, trust your heart and trust the people who care about you.

On a side note I heard a great quote this morning from Jim Valvano (former NC State basketball coach who died from cancer). This speach was given at the ESPY's two months before Jim passed.
He said, "I just got one last thing, I urge all of you, all of you, to enjoy your life, the precious moments you have. To spend each day with some laughter and some thought, to get you're emotions going. To be enthusiastic every day and [as] Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Nothing great could be accomplished without enthusiasm" -- to keep your dreams alive in spite of problems whatever you have. The ability to be able to work hard for your dreams to come true, to become a reality."
You can check out the entire speech at http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/jimvalvanoespyaward.htm

Amra Pajalic said...

I thought I didn't have PMS, but my husband corrected that assumption. It's natural to go up and down. Anon has the right idea. Sometimes writing things down can help clarify your objectives. I'm also of the belief that if something keeps bugging you and doesn't leave you alone, you just need to do it and get it out of your head.

Anonymous said...

The more independent of your mother's children? Is that a fact? How so?

mai wen said...

Oh dear, how did I know you'd comment on that? I was always more independent growing up, you know that. Never wanting Mom to do anything for me or help me with anything. I never said you were Dependent by any means, and maybe that's why you moved far for college, etc. because you weren't as independent growing up, versus me who was always independent so I didn't feel as if I needed to move far to obtain my independence.

Really? Out of all my posts, that's all you got for me? That's the only comment your giving me? Come on, bring on the brotherly insight! ;-) You know you're excited about Ben's return, aren't we all?


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