I don't know how many times I've said "the real world sucks" since I've graduated college over a year ago, but I'll say it again. The real world sucks! Which is probably why I'm going back to school, but then in there lies my problem. Decisions. How the hell do you make these big life decisions all the time? I mean, the last big decision I had to make (before I graduated and was thrust into the real world like a naked baby into cold water) was what college to go to and even that was easy. I had a boyfriend (now husband) who went to a college 45 minutes away from home where I was the last child to leave my single mother. In addition, my best friend was going to Miami and so who better to room with (I now know that you should never room with your best friend from high school, I have yet to hear a success story and I still have bitter feelings about that experience). So truly, that decision wasn't a big deal for me, be close to my boyfriend, best friend and mom as well as go to the "public ivy league" Miami University. Duh, no brainer. So now I feel completely unequipped to make the big decisions as an "adult". Sure, I decided to get a job after I graduated, but only after I'd decided to not get a job and stay at home and write full time, then found out that I had more student loans then I thought and that I didn't have the discipline I wished I did and I was going crazy with lack of social interaction (despite the fact that I'm a writer, I actually Do enjoy social interaction :)~). So even the decision of getting a job just flowed naturally and wasn't the biggest deal for me, I knew I'd either have to get a job or go crazy. And the decision to marry my husband wasn't really a decision for me, I knew for a while before he asked me that I'd marry him, it didn't feel like a decision, it was just a fact.
This is all leading up to the fact that I had a panic attack last night about making some big life decisions... the last time I had a panic attack like this was when we bought our house, perhaps my first real big life decision. Should I stay in my comfortable but sooo boring and sooo not me job, should I go to Africa for 7 months (well, I'm not sure I'm accepted into that program yet, grrr, a whole other irritating situation), should I go back to school and if so should I go out of state and leave the rancid Ohio (okay, slight exaggeration, but I'm really no fan of Ohio), leave my mother, my husband's parents and sisters, our beautiful home (seriously, our house is Amazing, we really lucked out) and stable life? And amidst all of this, when the heck am I going to have babies? How do people actually make these decisions? There's no clear answer, I win and lose out in every decision I make. What if I make the wrong decision and they're too big to take back?
I know, I know. I'm sure everybody goes through this, I'm just surprised it's so hard. I was always very capable, the more independent of my mother's children, good at school, very involved in activities and a natural leader. So why is it so hard to make these decisions for my own life? I guess I thought I was prepared and now I don't feel prepared or capable of making these big decisions. Last night I just let all of my fears, doubts and stress get to me, it probably didn't help that I'm on my monthly (sorry guys, don't mean to gross you out). How do men deal with us emotional women? I can barely deal with myself!
Be honest with me people, does it ever get easier? Does it ever stop feeling like you're diving off a cliff and you're not sure your parachute works?
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