From The Well Known and The Not So Well Known

Via Daily Kos:

"Former secretary of State Colin Powell said Wednesday that it is time to face reality and recognize Iraq is in a state of civil war. Powell made the statement after growing what are known as ‘retirement balls.’"
---Amy Poehler
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"President Bush met with the Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki. Afterwards President Bush said 'Maliki is the right man for the job.' Just to remind you, President Bush also said FEMA's Michael Brown was the right man for the job. Donald Rumsfeld [was the] right man for the job. Tom DeLay was the right man for the job. Which would be okay...if Bush was the right man for the job."
---Jay Leno
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"NBC has announced that they will now refer to the Iraq war as a civil war. President Bush said no, no, no, no, no, it's not a civil war until it becomes a series of Time-Life books."
---David Letterman
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"The White House announced today that it was banning the sale of iPods to North Korea. President Bush said, "If North Korea is going to make nuclear weapons then we won't let them listen to Coldplay."
---Conan O'Brien
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"A Trainer at Sea World Adventure Park in San Diego was hospitalized Thursday in San Diego after a killer whale grabbed him and twice held him underwater during a show. On the bright side, the trainer did give up the location of three al Qaeda hideouts."
---Seth Myers

Via Overheard in Minneapolis:

Minnesota Woman: Where are you from?

Iowa Man: Iowa.

Minnesota Woman: (singing) What's high in the middle and round on both ends?

Iowa Man: ...that's Ohio.

Minnesota Woman: Oh... I thought that was Iowa.

Via Overheard in New York:

Professor: If you put a frog in a beaker of water and gradually heat it, at about 160 degrees or so the frog will look around and say, 'Oh, shit! I'm dead!'

--NYU

Overheard by: Emily J

Professor, as student closes window and piece of paper floats outside: At least it wasn't a body.

--SVA

Overheard by: jaclyn

Professor spastically spilling coffee on text: I just got so excited by Emerson I ejaculated my coffee all over him.

--Literature class, Columbia University

Professor: The Native Americans used peyote as part of their religion. And if you do peyote, believe me, you're going to have a religious experience. You're going to think you're flying next to God, like, 'Hey, God! Why you going so slow?'

--Columbia University

Overheard by: leilah

Professor: Please turn off your cell phones, beepers, pagers, interactive Gatorade bottles... Thank you.

--College

Overheard by: Kaleena

Writing teacher: ... And I thought to myself, 'These people are artists. They're not supposed to be acting like normal people. They should be acting aloof and riding some sort of bizarre bicycle that they made themselves.'

--Eugene Lang College

Professor: I'm so not used to teaching like this... It's like a classroom.

--Eugene Lang College, the New School

Overheard by: rpk

Also, thank goodness my mother never caught me opening my Christmas presents early!