To Write or Sleep?

That's the question I've been wrestling with these past couple of months. I'm a one hundred percent night owl. If it were up to me, I'd stay up until about 3am every night then sleep in until about noon, but unfortunately the world isn't on the same page with me, and I'm forced to adjust. One of the most difficult adjustments is with my writing. In college, where I've written my best work, I'd have the liberty to stay up late and sleep in (okay, so I'd skip some classes sometimes to sleep in, but who didn't?) But now I have to wake up early for my job, so I'm not able to take advantage of my most creative window of the day, 12am-3am. I still get my most creative story ideas around that time of day, usually when laying in bed a story will play itself out in my head, plot, characters all the way to the ending. I'll even have some paragraphs written out in my head and I'll swear that I'll write it all down when I get some time the next day. That free time doesn't usually happen until the evening the next day, around 8pm, and by then the magic of the story is lost on me and I can't remember all the parts to it or what had made it so special. I do keep a notebook to jot down ideas next to my bed, but I'm usually half asleep and so tired when my mind is writing that even that seems like too much work. But it makes me feel like a slacker writer. How do you do it all? Have a normal life and also fit in writing? I've certainly tried writing sometimes during the day or early evening, but its not my prime time for creativity and so it feels like I'm always forcing it. Do I need to train myself to be a writer at all hours of the day or do I need to give up some sanity and sleep and write at night like I used to?

Busy Bee.

I'm feeling extremely stressed right now, for a variety of reasons, but the pressing reason is that I'm cheering on my Vikings in a close and extremely painful game to watch (fumbles, Favre getting murdered every other play...) Speaking of, another fumble, grr... I'm tearing my hair out here!

This week has been especially crazy, work was demanding and on top of that, I was a bit under the weather, making for a foggy and stressful week.

Some updates, my friend and I decided to start our own book club so we can keep in touch since we live far from each other. We're going to alternate who picks the book every month and then by the end of the month both write a review of the book that I will post on my blog. This month I picked Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout since I was already reading it and also because I knew my friend would love it as I was loving it. I finished it last night and can't Wait to write my review. I might actually write it now as its fresh on my mind but wait to post it when my friend has written hers. I'm excited to read what she thought about it... I think this will be a fun thing for us and also for my loyal blog readers to get different perspectives on the same book, perhaps after following our reviews for a while you'll start finding yourself associating your reading tastes with one of us over the other!

My writing has been slow, but I have faith that it'll pick up. I'm excited to be getting back into writing an dam slowly feeling like more of myself as I get more into it.

Two minute warning, must focus on the game now. Sending all my positive energy to my Vikings.

The Write Stuff.

I was able to get some writing done today, not exactly the sort of writing I wanted to - it was for school - but it was writing nonetheless and made me feel like I was getting back into the "writing chair." It's a slow process for me to get back into writing. I'm a shy writer, and it takes me a while to warm up. But once I'm warmed up I'm a full-time writer as in no matter where I'm at, who I'm talking to or what I'm doing my mind is on my writing. I suppose that mirrors my personality pretty well, all or nothing.

The Space.

Okay, so in the spirit of honesty, I went out with a friend tonight instead of writing. I know, I know. If I'm going to take writing seriously then I need to make some sacrifices for it, but in all honesty, I'd been trying to get together with this friend for a long time and it was the only day we could both do it, also she had just found out some really good news so it felt like a good time to celebrate.

But, despite that, I still feel crappy for missing my writing night and now am too tired to do much but go to bed. My plan is to take the time I was going to write tonight and create my writing space tomorrow. Right now my desk is covered with odds and ends that I didn't feel like dealing with at the time and so just threw onto my desk. Guess I'll have to deal with them now if I want a place to write. I think creating a neat and clean space is important for me to focus on my writing. I like things organized and it would be distracting to have a mess out of my peripheral while trying to focus. Anyways, I'm going to count that as my writing session for the week because creating the space is an important part of the process for me and will help me get into the right frame of mind.

I'm both excited and terrified to get back into writing. What if I suck? What if I've lost what little talent I had? What if, what if, what if? The possibility of failing, of losing the hope of my dream is very scary, but scarier is the idea of never having tried. Cliché, but true. So next Wednesday, in my clean and organized zen-like space facing my beautiful back yard, I will face that blank page and while I may tremble, I Will type and spew out whatever I've been holding inside of me all these silent months and I won't look back. Honestly, I might not even read what I write that day, it might truly make me lose all hope.

I Resolve.

So if I put my New Year's resolutions on my blog, then I have to do it, right? I expect you all to hold me accountable.

So here we go:

I resolve to write fiction at least once a week. I know, that's low-balling it, but as a perfectionist I have to keep my goals small, otherwise if they're too big then I get stressed out about accomplishing it and then I feel like I won't and if you know anything about a perfectionist, its that its all or nothing so if you don't think you can do something perfectly then you don't do it at all. So I'm starting with one day a week (Wednesdays I believe will be my chosen day) and give myself permission to write complete crap for a while until I get back into the swing of things. After so many months without writing, I think I'll have a lot of crap to get out. I'll end each writing session with a blog on how it went, unless those posts end up being really boring, then I might stop blogging about my writing.

I resolve to read at least two books a month. Again, I'm low-balling it, but my life is pretty dang busy and I'm spread in so many different directions that I need to keep everything pretty simple in order to fit all the different parts of my life together. Reading is one of those things that I've let slip a little and I miss it, so two books a month at the very least. You can look for those book reviews.

So other than trying to cut down on my cussing and working out more (which I figured you all really couldn't help me out with either of those much), that's about it. Of course, its mostly about taking care of myself better. What social worker is good at taking care of him or herself? I haven't really met one yet. Ah, the nature of the job!

What are your resolutions, if any?

The Power of Fantasy Football.

Just so I don't end the year 2009 with just one post (embarrassing!), I decided to explain how fantasy football is responsible for me going after my dreams.

It starts with a girl, obsessed with football and used to hanging with the boys when it comes to the sport. Then comes along fantasy football, now there's a point and use for all of her previously thought to be useless knowledge about football. Then came this year where said girl works at home with very little interaction with peers and she kicks some major ass in fantasy football and makes the playoffs in second place in the league. Then comes the game where said girl lets her husband (who did Not make the playoffs and was battling to not be last place most of the year - why oh why did she listen to him she now wonders) convince her to start Chris Jennings (RB Cleveland) over Maurice Morris (RB Detroit). This led to the devastating loss in which she would have won by over twenty points to a loss of two points.

All of this would have been upsetting in any given year, but this year where the girl was feeling isolated led her to tears. Yes. Tears. She yelled at her husband for a while, hoping that would make her feel better, but alas, it didn't. When she realized that perhaps there was more to this then just losing fantasy football. She remembered feeling down the last couple of days, the first time when she received an email from her old Creative Writing professor and mentor requesting an update of writing accomplishments to be sent to the English Department. Gulp. The girl felt a pain in her heart as she realized that if she were to respond her email would be blank. Then the very next day she was watching an interview of Eliza Dushku and heard her talking about how she'd just got back from Uganda to do research on building a trauma center for former child soldiers, and instead of feeling happy that someone else was pursuing her dream and helping the children, the girl felt her heart drop into her stomach in disappointment that it wasn't her that was helping the children.

Have you figured it out yet? Yes, I am said girl, shocking, I know. And after I was crying due to losing in fantasy football, that's when the realization hit that I needed to get back into something I was passionate about otherwise that little pain would just grow and I would just go crazier than I already was.

Thank you fantasy football.